It is not where you start, it is where you finish

It has been 9 months since I saw my lover. He called me this past Saturday which I suppose prompted the previous post. He obtained my phone number from a mutual friend. It was strange speaking to him. He gave me the same story about how he still loved me and dreamed of me. How he is miserable without me. I finally told him how little I thought of him. I listed all of the hurtful things he had done and finally told him that I wish he never approached me that day in June. He couldn’t believe that I was done with us. (Changing my phone number and not speaking to him for 9 months should have been enough of a clue!) He used the same manipulation speech that always ended up with me back in his arms. I thanked him for the effort and told him that I would be blocking his number when we hung up. I asked him to let me live in peace. He cried and told me I was cold and cruel. I corrected him and told him I was finally lucid and stable and unwilling to give my sanity over to someone who fucked me when it was convenient. I also told him that the price for an orgasm was too high and that tranquility and simplicity was all I craved. Yoga, meditation and Qi gong have brought me so much inner-peace that sex is really not something I miss anymore. I also told him that if we ever had a “real “ relationship we would end up terribly because we were too much alike. My husband is the yin and I am the yang. He is weaker and I am stronger. He lets me be in control and I thrive on it. My lover’s wife is a weak and can not hold a job. He needs her because she is less and he is not threatened by her. Most marriages that last are the same.
There needs to be a give and take. The crazy fantastic lust never stays once the mundane everyday life kicks in.

I was with him for 5 years. The last draw was he asked me to take the day off from work so we could be together all day without work interruptions. I juggled my schedule and made the 1 ½ hour drive up to where he lived and was excited for a wonderful leisurely day. Well we were together just two hours and his cell phone started ringing and all of a sudden he had to go back to work for something. He said that we could grab something to eat before he went to work so I followed him to a restaurant and as we were waiting to be seated he asked if he could have lunch with me another time. It was if he couldn’t get away fast enough that he got what he wanted. I later learned that he never took the day off he told his boss that he had a doctor’s appointment. He fucked up my entire day and couldn’t even share a meal with me. I decided that I was done with his selfish bullshit and he could find himself another whore. At least she would get paid for her time. I feel as though I have my life back. No more frenzy waiting for his calls and traveling and lying for a few hours. I lost my focus on the now and living. I have so much peace now no more turmoil and anger and sadness. I used to cry at my desk thinking of why I couldn’t be with my supposed soul mate. Why??? I was willing to leave my husband and make a life with him yet he was too much of a coward to leave the wife who trapped him into marriage with a false pregnancy. He came to me and professed his love first and pursued me. Again I ask why? I was fine in my coma. He had to wake me up for what? I recently listened to the Song August and September by The The, whom I love by the way. It was so similar to what he was to me. How many times did I walk away and go back? Too many times, I believed all of the beautiful sentiments and the compliments and the deep conversations about our destiny etc, etc. I remained for five years the dark little secret and the Polish princess stayed in her ill gotten castle spending his money and not working. I guess she was more attractive and an acceptable trophy to be seen with.
Here are the lyrics, even now when I hear the song it still makes me a bit sad:

August and September

Suddenly last summer
I started going out of my head
In a tiny hotel room
Lying naked on a bed
I knew what you were doing, and I knew what you'd done
Your life with me was ending, your new life had begun
But I was cursing your name, and I was cursing that room
And I was praying for the strength to stop loving you

I started writing you the letter
Which turned into the book
I was gonna reach across the ocean
and force you to look

But what kind of man was I?
Who would sacrifice you happiness to satisfy his pride
What kind of man was I?
Who would delay your destiny to appease his tiny mind

Then you came back to me and I went down on one knee
With a glint in my eyes and a rose between my teeth
And I pushed out my tongue for you to see
That I'd been dying of a thirst for your company
Then you quenched my loneliness with your tears
And our clothes fell away as we rolled back the years
But we couldn't deny it because we could not admit it
If our love was too strong to die
Or we were just too weak to kill it
Was our love too strong to die?
Or were we just too weak to kill it?

Every moment in that room
I closed my eyes in prayer
Every moment I awoke
I clenched my teeth in prayer

What kind of man was I?
Who would sacrifice your happiness to satisfy his pride
What kind of man was I?
Who would delay your destiny to appease his tiny mind

Who could delay your destiny to appease his aching swollen pride
Who could delay your destiny to appease his screaming little mind

You're mine (Not anymore)

For those that do not have time to go to the link

Indigo Adult Characteristics

Are intelligent, though may not have had top grades.

Are very creative and enjoy making things.

Always need to know WHY, especially why they are being asked to do something.

Had disgust and perhaps loathing for much of the required and repetitious work in school.

Were rebellious in school in that they refused to do homework and rejected authority of teachers, OR seriously wanted to rebel, but didn't DARE, usually due to parental pressure.

May have experienced early existential depression and feelings of helplessness. These may have ranged from sadness to utter despair. Suicidal feelings while still in high school or younger are not uncommon in the Indigo Adult.

Have difficulty in service-oriented jobs. Indigos resist authority and caste system of employment.

Prefer leadership positions or working alone to team positions.

Have deep empathy for others, yet an intolerance of stupidity.

May be extremely emotionally sensitive including crying at the drop of a hat (no shielding) Or may be the opposite and show no expression of emotion (full shielding).

May have trouble with RAGE.

Have trouble with systems they consider broken or ineffective, ie. political, educational, medical, and legal.

Alienation from or anger with politics - feeling your voice won't count and/or that the outcome really doesn't mattter.

Frustration with or rejection of the traditional American dream - 9-5 career, marriage, 2.5 children, house with white picket fence, etc.

Anger at rights being taken away, fear and/or fury at "Big Brother watching you."

Have a burning desire to do something to change and improve the world. May be stymied what to do. May have trouble identifying their path.

Have psychic or spiritual interest appear fairly young - in or before teen years.

Had few if any Indigo role models. Having had some doesn't mean you're not an indigo, though.

Have strong intuition.

Random behavior pattern or mind style - (symptoms of Attention Deficit Disorder). May have trouble focusing on assigned tasks, may jump around in conversations.

Have had psychic experiences, such as premonitions, seeing angels or ghosts, out of body experiences, hearing voices.

May be electrically sensitive such as watches not working and street lights going out as you move under them, electrical equipment malfunctioning and lights blowing out.

May have awareness of other dimensions and parallel realities.

Sexually are very expressive and inventive OR may reject sexuality in boredom or with intention of achieving higher spiritual connection. May explore alternative types of sexuality.

Seek meaning to their life and understanding about the world May seek this through religion or spirituality, spiritual groups and books, self-help groups and books.

When they find balance they may become very strong, healthy, happy individuals

Please note, anyone could have a few of these traits, but Indigo Adults have most or all of these 25 characteristics

To all of the mothers out there with daughters you should really consider having a ladies night at least once a month. I take my daughter out with me and my two best friends every Friday evening. I have chosen two amazing empowered women that know their worth and are full of love and light. We all gather together at either a restaurant, a resort or movie.
We all decide on Monday what we would like to do and my daughter often dictates our weekly choice. I am happy that she is open and excited about life. I never want to shut down and disappear like I did for so many years. I am grateful that she has strong amazing women to look up to that love and respect her as she should be. My daughter is an Indigo child as was I. Many are being born to this earth and can not handle the "old" ways of parenting. They are born knowing their worth and purpose. You can not say to an Indigo "because I said so." They will be angered and insulted. Many Indigos are classified as difficult, hyperactive, and just "bad" if they are treated without respect. My best friend and Reiki master pointed out to me that my daughter was an Indigo and she chose me because I am also an Indigo that was so mentally abused by my parents that I lost my "voice" for so many years. She told me that I would need to forget all of the conventional ways of child raising and treat her with mutual respect. I remember as a child being called Atomic mouth and to shut up. Beatings with belts and hangers when I challenged my mother and back handed slaps when I answered back against the injustice I felt was being imposed on myself and/or my siblings. I never felt like I belonged in school and I never felt that anyone really liked me. It felt as if they were putting up with me. I always wanted to defend anyone that needed defending but was too afraid. I did lose my voice and because of my best friend M. I found it again in my freshman year of university.
We met and were instantly attracted to one another. As we became closer she said one night when I was crying about another cruel thing my mother had said to me. "I will love you back into existence, I know the real you is in there somewhere." It took years and my mother's death but I now feel comfortable in my own skin. I often wonder what I could have achieved if I was born to enlightened parents. Anyway my angel is God's mercy and gift to allow me to raise a daughter that is so ahead of me spiritually and love her enough to let her fly. So please mothers and fathers allow your sons and daughters to have a voice you may have an Indigo or a Crystal child in your care. I have attached a link for anyone interested in learning more about Indigo souls. I think my blog friend PIP is an Indigo she is so gifted!!!!

http://www.metagifted.org/topics/metagifted/indigo/

I never thought of myself as a very sexual person. Raised strict Catholic and the second of six children, (obviously my parents didn’t use birth control), I wanted to save myself for the wedding night. My life was focused on being the best at everything getting straight A’s, being the principal player in the orchestras I played in, and winning, one award after the next. Education and success where my focus not men and sex. I also was desperately trying to prove to my parents that I was good and hoped that my achievements would earn their love and recognition. Sadly, they had their precious sons to dote on and their daughters were basically servants. I lost my virginity when I was 22 to a man that I thought was my destiny. He told me he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me and how much he loved me, it never occurred to me that he simply wanted to experience a virgin. Once he got what he wanted he turned cold and told me he couldn’t find his ON button for love anymore. Well sex for the first time for a virgin quite frankly is awful and painful, especially if the man is well endowed and not careful, which he was. I was heart broken and felt dirty and not worthy of anyone decent now as my one precious gift that I guarded for so long was lost to a cad. For awhile I withdrew into myself and mourned. After the mourning period was over I thought well now it’s gone so if the mood strikes I am “broken” in. Because my mother told me my entire life that I was ugly and only had brains to recommend me I decided to develop my wit and charm to make up for my lack of beauty. God must have noticed my mother’s cruelty and mercifully blessed me with a lovely set of DD breasts which in my younger years I hid from site under baggy sweaters. University completed and virginity gone, I moved out of my parents home to finally experience life on my own terms.
I kept my job as a waitress because I had so many friends at the restaurant and it was in a resort town full of fun and clubs. No matter how attractive my girlfriends were, when we would go out I always got the one I set my mind on. How? While my simpering beautiful friends would moon over the one they wanted batting their eyes and positioning themselves in the correct lighting, I simply walked right up to any of them and talked. I joked and flirted and they just couldn’t help themselves. It was the ultimate science experiment and a learning experience because I wanted to explore every aspect of my sexuality before I would ever have intercourse again.

Advantage #1 in the sexual playground: Played the French horn since I was 7 so I had an amazing set of lips.
Decided to see what they could do……………………………..